Games

There are almost a thousand Wii retail games. Most people can, at best, name about 15 of them, and so I pose this question: have you ever gone through the full list of Wii games and looked at the box art? It’s f–king crazy. The last time I did it, which was a couple weeks ago, it rendered me catatonic for a couple days. Now that I’ve fully recovered, Imma dive back in and share a few of my favorite ludicrous-looking Wii games with you.

These games are all absurd for their own reasons; some are insane through-and-through, and others just have god-awful titles. Enjoy.

10. Rooms :The Main Building

Has there ever been a more inexplicable name for a video game? That name literally tells you nothing about it, aside from that there are rooms and they might be in the main building. High-profile games can get away with titles like that because they advertise and people care about them, but when you have a no-name game like this buried under Wii shovelware, you have to do a little better than this.

And why is the colon in front of “the” instead of after “Rooms?” I feel like that’s never happened before in the history of things having names.

In truth, though, Rooms is a great idea for a game. You get dropped in the middle of some large building full of rooms, and you have to figure out how to get out even though there are no obvious doors. Neat idea, horrible, ruinous name. That it all takes place in one building makes that cover pretty heinous, too. That an actual boxed retail title has that name and that box should mean somebody got fired soon after it was released.

9. Spy Fox: Dry Cereal

Again, we have a title and box art that does little to explain what could possibly be going on in this game. “Spy Fox” is a good start. Even folks not familiar with the character will understand that he/she is that animal wearing the suave-ass caterer tux on the front of the box. But then you get the the subtitle, “Dry Cereal,” and it all falls apart.

OK, we have a fox spy who has cool gadgets and things, but what does cereal have to do with it? Is that a code name for drugs? If it is, it’s a really uncool code name and not at all a healthy message to send to the children. Maybe he’s not really a spy at all and is actually a caterer and he has to deliver some dry cereal? Eh, that would be lame.

The real deal is that the game is a SCUMM-based point-and-click educational adventure game about finding milk that you can pour on cereal. Lame.

8. Shawn Johnson Gymnastics

This really isn’t that odd a game idea, considering we have official, branded Olympics titles, but it makes the list for two reason: 1) that cover is f–king amazing and 2) one very important sentence from the game’s description: “The game is compatible with the Wii Balance Board for added realism.”

“Added realism” by way of the balance board implies that playing the game with the Wiimote and nunchuk already somehow provides some amount of realism, which is impossible. Like, that’s physically impossible since gymnastics involves rolling around and jumping and s–t. Oh, Wii.

7. Deer Drive

Here’s a title that that presumably allows you to reasonably guess what it’s about. But whatever assumption you would make would be wrong, because this game has nothing to do with deer driving or driving deer or even driving, period. It does have deer, though.

This game is basically Duck Hunt but with deer. And you can play it co-op. Derp.

And what the f–k does “1-4 players | award winning” mean?

6. Our House: Party!

“Our House Party!” is a title I, and everyone else, could probably understand. But that colon… man, that colon… the logic center in my brain has short-circuited from trying to decipher that title. I guess you could consider the title to be the house ordering everyone to party. I guess? (Anyway, this is the ultimate white-person game, because it’s about racing to see who can decorate a house the fastest. Christ.)

Obviously, though, the folks at whatever anonymous developer that made this game (I’m sure they’re fine people) intended this title to be the beginning of the “Our House” franchise, but what other one-word exclamation would make people wanna buy a game.

I was just about to scoff at potential titles like Our House: Garden! and Our House: Nap! and Our House: Cook!, but then I remembered that a lot of Wii owners eat up nonsense like that. Speaking of which…

5. Food Network: Cook or Be Cooked

I was legitimately excited about the game the first time I noticed it. It seems like the Food Network was going edgy with this game about a fictional cooking show in which the loser each week is cut up and divided among the remaining contestants, who then must make a meal out of him/her for the next episode. It was good that someone in the games industry finally made a game targeted at people like me (cannibals), and it’s always nice to see a Wii game with M-rated content.

But it turns out that title is just a strange turn of phrase that has nothing to do with violence on a person. Instead, this game is just another lame cooking game.

4. Puppy Luv

This looks like a random pet simulator, but it has a twist: it’s about a robot dog with eyes that steal the souls of children. Inspired by the works of RL Stine, Puppy Luv will leave you breathless and trembling.

Nah, it really is just a random pet simulator, but you’d never think that by looking at the box. A sequel, Kitty Luv, is out this year.

3. (TIE) Gallop & Ride and My Horse & Me

It was proving impossible to decide which of the multitude of Wii horse games to choose, and I couldn’t narrow it down any further than this because they both have real people on the boxes. Here we go:

I have no joke for this one, because the box art and product description say it better than I ever could.

Now’s your chance to run a horse ranch and prove your equestrian care capabilities to the world! Start by creating your dream horse, choosing from a bunch of different options, including combinations of coats, manes, saddles, bridles, blankets, and more. Then, you can train, brush, and massage your horse, all using the Wii Remote. If you want, take a relaxing ride through the woods, on the beach, or in the mountains, with full control thanks to the innovative and simple Wii control system. You can build your stable and your business, add new buildings, and welcome new guests to your ranch for even more horsing around.

Guh.

And I do have a joke for this one. And it starts with this line from the description: “It’s time to live the dream of having your own pony!” It’s just like a Wii game to assume its s–ty representation of some thing little girls want is just as good as the real thing. Which is amazing.

2. Charm Girls Club: Pajama Party

This is actually a game about pretending to be a girl at a sleepover, and since it’s rated E there’s nothing there for boys of “that age” really enjoy in this game. You can play it alone (which would be literally the saddest thing ever, regardless of who you are) or with up to seven friends, which means you could play it at a real sleepover, which would be sad in a completely different way. This is actually a shovelware subgenre, as there are a couple more sleepover games.

1. Imagine: Party Babyz

I thought the sleepover game was a bit of a stretch, but that’s got nothing on this s–t. This is a game about pretending to be a baby. You can take part in thrilling mini-games like this one mentioned in the description: “Shake the Remote wildly to fill a bottle, then drink it by holding the Remote up to your mouth – and don’t forget to burp!”

If that’s the mini-game they mention first in the product description, I can’t imagine what other nonsense might be found in this game. There’s gotta be at least one about s–ting your pants, right?

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